I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
