As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
