We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
