i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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