so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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