pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
