guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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