My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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