I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
