I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
