dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
