I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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