You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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