why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
