I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize