my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
