the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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