I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
