Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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