The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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