batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
How does it feel to date your dad?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize