Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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