My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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