I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
did i just pee glitter
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
