Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
