Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Farmville is her only friend.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize