Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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