My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
