so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
