good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
