I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
