Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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