i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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