I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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