So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
