i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize