just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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