he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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