she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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