Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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