I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
