Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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