I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
