not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
