So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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