do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
