I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
