Soap is not a condiment
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
