Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
