i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
