So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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