remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
