I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We left an ass print on the piano.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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