i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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