i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He literally asked permission to hit on me
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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