12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
