he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
