Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
