the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
