How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
smell my finger.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
