I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
