I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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