I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
is that a dick in a sweater?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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