The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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