Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
