mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
