just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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