i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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