dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
