The best revenge is premature balding
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
being pregnant is like rehab
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
