i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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