If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
