but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
